Moving through places.Space & TIME.

A moment in time

This memorial weekend 🇺🇸 was a beach weekend! I spent time w/ my baybee & the girls …

Josh ended up hitting me up. I guess it was a last minute type of thing, like I’m in ur city. I told him he could take neiko but to be honest idk if I would have really been down. I always flake out when he is around.

I guess you can say that I do still care maybe a teeny tiny bit because I allowed him to get me mad. It’s like he feels like I have to drop everything for him when he says so. I think he forgot.. We are not TOGETHER you lost those privileges! He texted and apologized but I was so angry that I couldn’t even answer his call. I blacked on him 😳

I’m sure he meant well because he wanted to see me but that’s not how you go about things. I know him and I know that he’s a type of guy that wants things to happen ASAP.

Seeing him on my TL in IG made me go 😱.. He looks so different to me 😒 welp I hope all goes well for him. I can’t help but have anger towards him. Im trying to let it go because he’s not a horrible person he’s just made fcuked up mistakes.

My babe & his crew were at the same place that Josh & his friends were at.. Lol funny but they didn’t even know.

I have to let go of this semi-grudge that I have with this man. When I do I’ll know that I really don’t care— something my dad said.

Sabotage

I think if I don’t let go of what happen to me in the past I’m not going to get anywhere…

I think I could possibly sabotage my own relationship.

As horrible as this sounds but I’m so use to being lied to. I don’t put anything past anyone because my ex did such a good job of lying to me. Its hard for me to trust. As much as I want to I don’t think I can. I want to so bad. I let my past ruin what could possibly be something really good for me…

Its a battle that I fight with myself. I was able to forgive but never forget.

Its like when something is going so good I’m the one who runs away— I make excuses and fall back. I have to tell myself that its okay to let people into my life… Not everyone is going to be like Josh. There are men who respect women enough to not put them through hell.

I just don’t know. I’m okay with being on my own and not needing a man but of course I don’t want to be like that forever. I have men who want to take me out and get to know me but I wont give them the time of day. It’s me who is holding myself back.

I was able to forgive my ex for what he did to me, but that seed was planted in my head. The seed that makes me believe that men are extreme dogs. I know that every man is different and that’s what I have to understand or else I’m going to be by myself.

I really have to let go of those thoughts. I believe that whats done in the dark will come to the light… It has plenty times before and will happen again. I don’t need to worry about someone hurting me because I’m strong enough to get through it. I have to understand that FEAR is inevitable for a human but I can overcome it by being confident that whatever happens, good or bad I’ll be able to conquer it. I’m a strong woman I don’t give myself enough credit.

I have someone in my life that’s really great. I just have to accept that its okay to let him completely in… It bring tears to my eyes to say that I’m so thankful that GOD has allowed me to love again and find someone like him. I just didn’t think I would be able to learn what love or happiness was again.

This was something that was bothering me and I had to get it out. Sometimes  you don’t need anyone telling you what to do or giving you more things to think about. A moment of being vulnerable… I hate to show this side.